Monday, December 10, 2012

Obsession -- Open Letter to Santa Larry

My dearest husband, 

This holiday season, I live only to serve you and to make your life as easy as possible. With those humble mantras beating in my heart, I write you this brief note to aid you in your time of battle -- at the shopping mall. 
Please let these DOs and DON'Ts guide your heart and your wallet. I wrote them with your well-being in mind. 

This Christmas, please...

DO NOT get me a Target gift card. I know I say it is my favorite store (and it truly is) but I do not want my gift to eventually turn into socks for the kids, Swiffer refills and 10 bottles of hand sanitizer I bought on impulse while checking out.

DO get me gift cards from stores such as Nordstrom, J. Crew or Anthropologie.  But don't ONLY get me gift cards because clothes are kinda a basic human right and I shouldn't only be allowed to get them at Christmas. Just sayin'.

DO NOT get me jewelry. While I think you have better taste than the average husband, I do not think you have enough taste to make such an investment. Don't feel bad. If you were really good at choosing my jewelry, I would worry the whole day about whether or not you may actually like boys.

DO get me jewelry. That is, get me this exact piece of jewelry. 

The top lot of the jewelry came as a Tiffany platinum ring with a one-cushion brilliant cut diamond weighing 2.7 carats sold for $27,025.

Do not buy anything "close" or "similar." Do not assume that I will be grateful for anything you buy me.  You must know me better than that by now.

DO NOT feel the need to get me anything romantically-inspired for Christmas. It ain't Valentine's Day and it ain't our anniversary.  We will have been awake for an un-Jesus-y amount hours on Christmas Eve, so there will be no "afterparty" on Christmas night -- if you catch my drift.

DO feel free to make me laugh. It is what you do best, my love. So anything at ShopbyBravo would be a breath of fresh-Housewife air. What better way to celebrate the birth of Christ than with a Mazel t-shirt?

And speaking of which...

DO NOT assume being Jewish gets you some sort of "free pass" on Christmas. Try it and I have a few Jewish guilt tricks that may "pass" your way.

DO remember that I love you very very much and that I only grumbled a little and cursed your soul once when I was picking up the 10 pairs of dirty socks you've left by the bed over the past week or two. Good news! No live animals were found  under them and the children didn't contract gangrene from touching them. Yay! Point being, it would be helpful to keep such things in mind when you are deciding on how many presents is enough presents.


DON'T stress too much. After all, my birthday is about three weeks after Christmas and all disappoints can be remedied by a simple Sunday shopping spree. 

It's the Jesus way. Just ask those three kings. 


The mother of your two beautiful but high-maintenance children

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