This past weekend we went to the circus. People, I didn't think I'd survive it.
First of all, "The Greatest Show on Earth" is one hot mess. The ringmaster is pointless, the songs are cheesy and the production is pretty shaky. I also almost had a nervous breakdown during the tiger bit. I was waiting for a Seigfried and Roy moment and wondering how I would explain "mauling" to my children.
I did find the stunts and acrobatics totally amazing and I love the elephants, even if I totally feel sorry for them at the same time. I won't go into my conflicted feelings on that issue, we would be here all night.
But then there are the clowns....
I hate clowns.
I've always hated clowns.
Clowns make me want to curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb.
One clown did make me do that, actually. And I was 10 years old.
Some sadistic member of my family gave me a clown doll. This clown was the kind that laughed maniacally when you squeezed him. I know. Sick bastard.
Well, one night, while falling asleep on my top bunk, I accidentally kicked that bastardo. And he or she started laughing....
It's painful to relive this moment now. I was actually saving this for my therapy visit but getting it out now is cheaper. (It also frees up minutes in my hour with the therapist for other issues such as my aversion to the feel of wet wood.)
My Post Traumatic Stress Disorder keeps me from remembering what happened in the six months following the incident. I assume, however, that after a few minutes of trying to get it to shut up, I started screaming bloody murder and one of my parents came in and destroyed that demonic doll.
I think I was fine for a few years until I saw a movie that sent me back into PTSD.
So when I saw the clowns at the circus, I braced myself for the worst. But it turns out that these clowns were pretty benign. None of them had razor teeth. None of them laughed like a hyena. None of them tried to touch me. Oh my God, I just shivered typing those words.
But they did remind me of that doll and that movie which, in turn, led me down the path of scary movies from my youth which I shall share with you now...
1. Stephen King's IT (1990)
Oh sweet baby Jesus. The clown was played by Tim Curry. Sick MoFo.
2. Legend (1985)
I didn't even remember that Tom Cruise was in this movie. All I remember is that freaky red monster. Played by Tim Curry. What? Again? Maybe Tim Curry's the problem! What's the clinical term for a fear of Tim Curry?
3. Howard the Duck (1986)
No, this is not in any sort of order. My fears are not yet categorized.
Does anyone else remember this George Lucas flop? I do. In my nightmares.
4. Return to Oz (1985)
I had actually blocked this one out of my memory until Lady Gaga decided to be a Wheeler on the cover of Born This Way. Leave it to Lady Gaga to conjure up the freaky imagery of an 80s movie.
5. Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
What? A musical? I know! How can a musical be scary? Two things creeped my shit out. First off, Steve Martin in a black wig. It was so weird and disturbing to me, I still can't get it out of my mind. Second, Ricky Moranis feeding Steve Martin to a monster-plant. I think it was my first taste of media violence at seven years old and, as cheesy and unrealistic as it was portrayed, it did not sit well with me. To this day, I cannot watch violent movies or shows. Thank you, Rick Moranis, for ruining me for The Sopranos.
6. Never Ending Story (1984)
They should not have called this a family film because that shit was weird, that shit was depressing and that shit will leave a mark on a five year old for-eva. The boy's mom dies, the hero's horse dies, etc. How is a child to process that mess? Sick. Just sick.
Now I originally intended to have a solid list of 10 movies here...but these six just freaked me out too much to go further. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight, which is a shame since I finally made double-digits in my followers and I was starting to feel content.
Thank you though to everyone who is following me! I'm hoping to redesign my site soon so that it almost looks legitimate and not like some looney person who just learned how to surf the World Wide Web. Let's just call it "classic."
Feel free to let me know your scariest movie memories. And I'll refrain from sharing with you the time I watched The Exorcist at a sleepover and I crawled under the bed so I could pray in private. It was the most Catholic moment of my life.