Confession -- New Year's Resolutions Worth Keeping

So before I leave for Palm Springs this weekend...

(Sidenote: If that opening has at all inspired you to come rob my house, let me just warn you not to bother. There's nothing of real value here and you'd be wasting your time. Unless you are really into non-HD, non-flat screen televisions. If so, be my guest and take ours. Maybe I'll finally get a new TV befitting my (imagined) stature in life.)

....I wanted to leave you with the 10 resolutions I shall be mentally preparing for whilst relaxing by the pool. Feel free to borrow any of them to improve your own existence in this world. 

I have organized them by important categories in my life. 

1. Husband. Hmm.....hmmmm.......hmmmmmmmm......Oh shit. This isn't starting out well. I cannot think of any resolutions related to my husband and our relationship. I'm thinking it's probably because I treat him so damn well. No improvement is necessary. Yes. That must be it. I'll come back to him if I think of anything.

2. Children. Again. Treat them pretty fucking good. Maybe too good. I got it. I resolve to put their little behinds to work more. This evening Maya was rubbing me feet and I thought, "This could work." The other day I got Lincoln to put away his socks and I thought, "This is swell." From January 1st on, the Ferchaw household will be more sweatshop-y in nature. More productive and fewer breaks. For them. Not me. 

3. Dieting. Shit just got real. Boo. But I think I have a plan to work my diet thing. I do plan to diet this year. But only every OTHER month. So, we're talking about being a mega-hungry-devil-bitch ONLY in the months of January, March, May, July, etc. I dieted in November and lost 13 lbs. Since then, I've gained 2 back but that's not bad, right? I think this could work. It could be like interval training. But without the running because I HATE to run. Which leads me to...

4. Gym. I've been going to the gym fairly regularly but there's always room for improvement there. But what I really resolve to do is improve my gym experience. More specifically, AVOID THE SMELLIES AND THE NAKIES. Nothing ruins my time on the elliptical more than when a smelly jumps on the machine next to me. It happened the other day. This woman looked perfectly hygienic until she got within five feet of me. Then I was suddenly accosted with the odor one may encounter when you take some cheese, shove it in a fat man's belly button and have him sit in a sauna for a couple hours. It was that pleasant.  Normally, I would just soldier through it but this time I could not. I was only 10 minutes into my hour and there was no way I was going to last. So I moved. Does that make me a horrible person? Probably. But if I'm going to the gym, there's only so much suffering I can take. Second, I gotta pee before I get there because our locker room is Wrinkle Ranch. I am NOT trying to look but there are always at least 5 fully naked, old, old, old, OLD ladies in there. What is the etiquette for this sort of thing? I have to look where I am going or I'll run into a wall! But they are prancing around the room like show ponies! There is no way to avoid the sags. Oh the sags!!! Lord, help me. I'm all for women being comfortable in their skin but I can't even watch Skinemax for heavens sake. And this is like Skinemax meets Lawrence Welk. Yep.

5. Drinking. Clearly I need to do this waaayyyyyy more. 

6. Reading. I need to branch out my literature this year to include more than just tales of vampires and/or rich pervs. Though I do love me some vamps and pervs, it really just isn't fair to Larry. Mid-way through a book, I start getting all grumpy that he can never be a vampire or a rich pervert. And then eventually I start whining about why he doesn't save my life more often or send bodyguards to buy me new wardrobes of clothes. I gotta think of his feelings. Wait. This could be my resolution twofer! It helps me AND him. Score!

7. Politics. About halfway through 2012, I decided to see how many people in Orange County I could piss off with just my existence. So I began wearing a NOH8 hat and sported an Obama sticker on my car. Oh, the fun I had when old ladies flipped me off from their cars. (Maybe it was just one old lady. But she was as mad as a swarm of killer Romney bees.) Then I got a little more vocal on Facebook and people started unfriending me. More good times. And, now, as we enter 2013, I resolve to find more ways to make my existence count. Because I like to believe, in my probably-delusional imagination, that for every crazy old lady, there 10 more people who are inspired by my bravery. That's right. I said bravery. Do you think it's safe to be a Democrat in Anaheim Hills? That shit will get you cut at Chick-Fil-A. 

8. Language. I resolve to only use the F-word when appropriate. Which means I do not use it enough. 

9. Friends. I can always use more....and fewer. Am I the only person who sees people on Facebook and thinks, "Gosh. I wish I were actually friends with him or her?" No? Just me? I'll own my patheticness. Lately, I've been thinking about friends past and present and wondering why some relationships stay strong and some do not. I'm using my time in 2013 to nourish the friendships I have and accepting that some weren't meant to be. At the same time, I am always looking for people to help me with resolutions 5 and 8. Message me! Maybe?

10. Blog. Finally I resolve to blog more consistently. Because it's the best way I can think of to embarrass my parents now and my kids in the future. It's the gift that keeps on giving me giggles.   

Cheers to 2013!