I always seem to find time in the wee hours of the night to reflect upon my failings as mother, writer, Latina, woman...and, oh yeah, wife.
After I do that, I remind myself that I'm too lazy to change and that without these character traits I wouldn't be the same awesome Michelle Zubiate Ferchaw. Then I binge on ice cream and True Blood.
I believe everyone should aim for my healthy level of self-confidence. It's simple, really. Ask yourself...
Have I actually tied one of my kids to their bed and taped their mouths shut? No? Mother of the Year! Holla!
Have I ever really hit my husband with the car to make a point? If not, June mother-fucking Cleaver is what you are.
Have you once, in reality, not in daydreams, slipped arsenic in that lady's Starbucks cup after she cut you off in the parking lot with her obnoxious Escalade? Goddamn Mother Teresa would be proud.
Lower your standards, people. That's all I'm saying. You'll be a lot effing happier.
I'm full of wisdom. I should charge someone for these services.
You should've been there for my maid of honor speech at my best friend's wedding. It went a little something like this...
(First, visualize me a couple months pregnant. That's right, there's no actually baby bump but I've spent the last two months "eating for two." And I'm wearing a strapless royal blue bridesmaids dress that I had begged my Elise NOT to make me wear. Though mentally plotting my revenge, I coolly take the microphone...)
One weekend, my husband Larry and I took a road trip to Boston with Elise and her then-boyfriend, now-husband, Chris. On the way up, we stopped at the drive-thru to get some McDonald's for lunch. As we happily drove along, I noticed something happening in the front seat.
Elise, with great love and care, was feeding Chris his french fries. One-by-one she would tenderly place them in his mouth so he could keep both hands on the wheel. They smiled at each other sweetly between bites of salty affection.
After watching this for some time, I looked over at Larry and then down at my own french fries.
Then, I looked over at Larry again and said, "If you even so much as look at my French fries, I will kill you."
All relationships work differently, but from what I've witnessed and always known about Elise, if Chris has half as much love in his heart as she does, this marriage will work out just fine.
So, then it is up to us, as their community of family and friends, to always support them and learn from them on their new journey as husband and wife.
Since there are no words to follow such pearls of infinite wisdom, let me leave you with some photos of another one of my masterpieces. Her name is Maya. It was her first day of kindergarten.