Thursday, May 19, 2011

Obsession - Scrabble

While camping with our friends a couple weeks back, I was reintroduced to Scrabble.

Not a good idea.

I’ve avoided playing Scrabble for many years because I thought I wouldn’t be any good at it. I thought it would be like bowling, just another forum for public embarrassment.

But then I thought, Who cares if people judge me and think me mentally challenged? Actually I thought, I was really good at Maya's word scrambles the other day. I may actually be decent at this. People will not laugh. They will be amazed at my natural ability and cower when I enter the room.

And, as it so turns out, I was decent. I almost won except Larry ran out of tiles and he got all our leftover points and that put him over the top. That lousy cheater. So I became bitter and driven to improve.

A week later, on Mother’s Day, I broke out our Scrabble set and played my brother. Again, I lost. I became even more bitter and now a little crazy obsessed. Ok...a lot crazy obsessed.

I started playing online. And that’s when all the trouble started.

Hours upon hours were now devoted to this game. I ignored laundry, chores, my husband, my children. I could not put the damn iPad down. It was a new virus to invade our household. One that could not be cured without a little bloodshed.

And even while I honed my skills against the computer, my best friend Elise was kicking my ass on Facebook. The first time this happened I found it unacceptable and I forfeited.

But apparently forfeiting is unacceptable in polite Scrabble circles, so I was forced to play her again and she is currently kicking my ass a second time. 

Finally, on my father’s birthday this past Sunday, I challenged my brother to a rematch. And, finally, praise the Lord, finally, I was the one doing the ass whooping.

And now, my friends, I shall retire. But not without learning a few important life lessons... 

  1. Scrabble is sent to us from the devil Lucifer.
  2. You don’t need a large vocabulary to play Scrabble. You just need to be able to memorize all two-letter words in existence. And all words that begin with Q that don’t need a U.
  3. Your children will suffer if you forsake them for Scrabble. I think Maya lost a couple pounds from both hunger and transferred anxiety. 
  4. If you play a stranger on Facebook, it’s not like He will not want to date you for your superior intellect. In fact, if you are beating him, Jeremy D. will just stop playing the game.
  5. It would be more helpful for me to pursue any other addiction besides Scrabble. I’m thinking of taking up an addiction to the drug speed instead. It will help me be a more productive, skinnier wife and mother.
  6. Scrabble is sent to us from the devil. (I feel this bears repeating.)
  7. Scrabble points are not like money. They will not impress anyone in Orange County.
  8. It’s ok to lose in Scrabble to anyone and everyone but your brother. Because friends and, sometimes, husbands come and go. But a brother will never let you live that shit down.
  9. Apparently “quo” is not a word but “qat” is. That’s some fucked up shit right there.
  10. You can retire from Scrabble and then pick it up again some day. Like Celine or Cher, I plan to rise from the ashes and shame all those who have once shamed me. Just you wait bitches!

So, when I finally put the iPad down for an hour, I decided I would return to the land of good, nurturing mothers and set up a nice artsy project for my kiddos.  It’s called Sidewalk Painting.

I saw this on the blog Pink and Green Mama and I would recommend it as a highly effective way to keep the kids creative and busy.

Basically you mix cornstarch, food coloring and a little water in muffin tins. Then you give the kids some paintbrushes and let them go to town.

I would call him my little Jackson Pollock but I'm pretty sure Pollock never tried to eat the paint.

I’m telling you, my house was much happier today. And I’m sure it will be even happier tomorrow when the speed really kicks in.

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