Thursday, August 4, 2011

Confession - A Shitty Week

Today at dinner, Maya (while polishing off her third taco) announces loudly, "I've gotta make a poop now!"


"Thanks for sharing," I say, putting my own taco back down on the plate.


"Daddy?" she shouts to Larry. "Did you know I haven't pooped since July?"


"Thanks for sharing, Maya," he says.


I'm pretty sure that isn't true since a) she can't read a calendar and b) I would remember not wiping her ass for four days. They would've been a happier four days. 


Now, I ask you this question.


When does a child learn to wipe his or her own butt????


I mean, come on, she's almost 5 1/2 years old. Isn't it time? It isn't like I haven't tried. 


Every time she blasts a dookie, she calls out loudly and in a sing-song voice that will surely send shivers down a snake's spine, "I need help, pleeeeeeeaaaaaaasssssseeeee!"


I think one of these times it may be her last. 


Every once in awhile I try to merely suggest that she may want to take care of her little problem on her own. She cries and begs and begs and cries and I give in because I really don't want her to start holding it in or having some sort of psychological/Freudian issues. 


I keep warning her that she will probably have to download a brownload at school but she assures me this will never happen. In all of preschool, she never once felt the need to grow a monkey tail. 


I explain that this may be different, since she will be at school for a longer day. Nope. Not happening. 


Can I make butt-wiping fun? Should I have a rewards chart up on the wall for cleaning up your own Hershey squirts?


And now I am even more anxious because, for the very first time, Lincoln bloop-blooped in the potty. 


It's been one of those weeks. Everywhere you turn, someone is forcing a duck to quack. 


So if you have any advice to offer, please fire away. 


Just don't fire any butt shuttles, thank you. 

1 comment:

Kristi said...

No advice. Given that both my kids have GI problems we would rather wipe their butts and check out the action as we are constantly at the GI.

Good luck :)