Saturday, August 20, 2011

Confession - You May Need To Call Child Protective Services

Oh my little love...

Why must you torture Mama?

Why must you abuse her?

Why must you humiliate her?

Why? Why? Why????

This has been a most trying week with Mr. Lincoln. Every morning, I wake up to the sweet sounds of him singing softly to himself and rolling around in his crib.

They are the sweetest, most peaceful moments of my day. I take a deep breath and stretch and smile...and then shudder a most violent chill. Because I know this is the calm before the storm. The hurricane. The monsoon. The tsunami. 

The beast stirs. 

If we combined all of Lincs antics from the week into a single day....well, the day may have ended with my tragic suicidal overdose on Hydroxycut. Luckily, they were spread out among seven days. But this is what it would look like in 24 hours...

Sweet sounds and babbling from his room. I get up, ready myself and take a look.

Yup. He's butt naked. He's somehow managed to pee all over the bed and on the carpet where I've just stepped. And he's using his wet diaper as a pillow.

After giving him a bath and changing the sheets, I ask him, "Would you like breakfast?" 


"Come on down. I'm gonna make you something to eat."


"Come with me."


"You want cereal?"


"You want milk?"


"Come on, Lincoln! Now!"


I finally pick him up and carry him downstairs, wiggling and screaming.

I spend the next 10 minutes coaxing him into sitting in booster seat. He spends 2 minutes eating before he swipes all his milk onto the table, chairs, walls, floors and cabinets. I spend another 10 minutes cleaning up the entire kitchen. 

(By the way, Maya does exist in the world. Though it's been hard to notice her this week.)

I drop Maya off at school and him off at the childcare at the gym. I spend a blissful hour commiserating with Arlene, who also has a two year old. We're war buddies.

I pick him up and his entire face is scratched up. I look at the gym lady in feigned shock. 

"He gave as good as he got," is all she can offer.

We go home and he's a perfect angel. He eats a snack, plays quietly and kisses me often. He has lured me into a false sense of security. 

We pick up Maya and make an impromptu trip to the library. He plays with the puzzles nicely and looks at the books. We happily sit at a table together and pick which books to take home. Then, an old friend walks in with her two kids. While Maya plays with the girl child, I chat with my friend and Lincoln attacks her baby boy.

It starts off loving and then turns brutal when I merely suggest Linc give the toddling baby his space. Oh no you didn't, bitch! Well fuck you and fuck him! I'll cut that little shit!

Horrified after he has pushed the baby three times, I offer up my red-faced apologies and flee the library knowing that Lincoln's ruined any chance of us getting together for a nice playdate. He couldn't give a shit. He's screams and bucks as I use my elbow to pin him down into the carseat while I try to buckle him up. 

He continues screaming while I try to sing and rock him to sleep for his nap. He screams loud, banshee cries of unadulterated hatred when I just throw him in his crib and let him sort out his own emotional issues. I hide downstairs on the kitchen floor.

He wakes up smiling and affectionate. Maya tries playing with him until he starts head-butting her like a baby goat. I try playing with him until he starts charging me like a linebacker. Then I give him the straightarm to protect myself. He falls onto the floor, seemingly stunned. 

I jump up, scurry away from the scene and attempt to do some chores. Lincoln gets the toy stroller and, at full speed, starts running toward me with vengeance in his eyes. I step to the side at the last moment and runs right into the wall. More screaming. Oh the screaming!

I finally administer the baby crack so that I can make dinner.

Larry gets home and we sit down to eat. I offer him a fork of food. 

"Lincoln? Would you like some chicken?"

"Never!!!" He swats his hand at the fork and sends the chicken flying onto the table.

"Would you like some rice?"

"No way!!! YOU eat it!" He stabs his finger at my face.

"Would you like some watermelon?"


After about five minutes, Linc and I have had enough fun and he has escaped from his chair. He plays with a ball nicely and I continue to eat. He then decides to hurl the ball at me, thus knocking the drink I'm holding in my hand all over my face and clothes.

Larry whisks him upstairs for his bath while I clean up. I think my dear husband is afraid for everyone's lives. As well he should be. 

When Lincoln's finished with his bath, he asks for "Music, please!!!!" Then he proceeds to turn the volume from silent to blaring to silent to blaring five hundred times. Larry finally turns it off the second before I crack. 

"Would you like me to read you a story, Lincoln?"


Normally, we would put him to bed and come back in one or two times to redress him since he's bored and, naturally, that means it's time to strip naked. 

But not tonight, my friends....

I think tomorrow is going to be a better day.


Arlene said...

Oh yes, the Best Use of Duct Tape Award goes to Michelle and Larry! I love it when we can prove we are smarter than a 2 year old....something I doubt daily...

M said...

to quote Officer Lou from The Simpsons Movie, "Uh, listen kid, nobody likes wearing clothes in public, but you know, it's ... it's the law."