Confession -- Proof That I'm a Good Mother

Ladies and gentleman of the jury....


Although I stand before you today for the criminal acts of making Maya clean up her toys and refusing to give Lincoln a cookie even though he loudly demanded one multiple times....  


I implore you NOT to sentence me to an entire lifetime of wiping butts. I can only serve six to eight months. Tops. 


Let me present the following evidence that I am, in fact, a good mother:


I always know when my children are about to make bad choices. Those moments are almost always preceded by 10 seconds of eerie silence. Once in awhile, I even intercept a catastrophe. You are welcome Target. And Vons. 


Despite temptation, I only use duct tape on diapers. 


I have forbidden Maya from playing with boys at school. If she's going to inherit anything from her mother, it will most likely be the boy-crazy gene. I will not have her follow in my kinder footsteps and recreate the "Kissing Corner."


If given the choice, I'd rather my children listen to Green Day than Hannah Montana. Maybe this isn't a good example...though it does demonstrate my true love for them. 


I did, however, take Maya to see Backyardigans Live On Stage. Haven't I served enough time?


I sometimes look up from my iPad when I hear a loud crash in the other room.


I always look up from my shopping when a child screams, "I am hurt! I am bleeding!" I recently performed triage at a Nordstrom Rack and was still able to leave the store with new ballet flats. 


I did not name my child Adolf Hitler Ferchaw. Consider that community service.


I only buy shoes for my children that Velcro closed so they are always safe from tripping on shoe laces. (It's an added bonus that I don't have to bother teaching them how to tie them.)


And, the number one piece of evidence that I am true mother to my children...


I can tell which fart belongs to which child based on a single whiff. 


I rest my case. 


I challenge you to find me guilty in the face of this overwhelming evidence. 


Though solitary confinement would be real nice around 4:30 tomorrow afternoon.


See what you can do about that.