Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Confession - Not So Skinny Bitch

I didn’t want my blog to be about the f-word.

It just naturally gravitated in that direction.

I didn’t think much of it until I realized a couple of moms from Maya’s Lutheran preschool had stumbled upon this blog. And since I don’t want her to be run out of the joint by angry cross-bearing mobs wielding pitchforks, I vow to behave better from now on. Maybe.

And I apologize for my passionate language but bigger forces have taken hold of my normally cheerful, positive temperament. You see…I’ve been dieting.

I heard that collective “ooohhhh” coming from all three of you reading out there. And I’m sure, if you know me, you understand that my attitude without delicious, fatty, salty morsels of carb-y goodness only goes from bad to worse. Add a cold, no alcohol and achy muscles from working out for the first time in years…

It’s no bueno.

And to add insult to injury, I’m not even losing much weight. What the heck am I doing wrong people? I need help! You must guide me down the path of least resistance toward a slimmer me. Here’s what I’ve already tried or have considered…

Lap Band , Gastric Bypass, Etc. – The thought of cutting my stomach reminds me of my two c-sections which reminds me to having babies which reminds me of never sleeping which reminds me of the delirious haze of one poopy diaper after another while constantly leaking from the boobage which then leads me into Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. 

Weight Watchers – On it now. And those points are worse than the AP Calculus test I attempted in high school. I only scored a 1. You get a 1 for writing your name. Hence, I’m not losing weight.

Jenny Craig – I’ve never done it. But it’s entirely possible that if I have all my meals already made for me, I may skip feeding the rest of my family. I basically make dinner so that I can eat. The fact that they are also nourished as a result is just an added bonus.

Healthy Eating and Exercise – Blah blah blah...Boooorrrrring! I tried exercising by doing the Just Dance Wii game. While you try to get that image out of your mind let me also tell you it was hazardous – not only to my super-cool image but also to my son’s head. No one told him to walk under my controller while I attempted a spastic move in “Pump Up the Jam.”

Fen-Phen – Where did it go? It sounded amazing. Effective with just the right amount of danger.

Michael Thurmond – I lost a lot of weight with this one. But who wouldn’t lose weight on 600 calories a day? Oh, and I was a mega-bitch. But I looked gooood. I just can’t do it to my family again. I’ll keep it in my back pocket though if all else fails.

Alli – I heard you leak oil from your anus. I’ve got enough problems.

Hoodia – A friend of mine gave this to me to try. I just started it today and have had some massive heartburn. I’ll keep you posted.

Hershey bars and Coke – Not an actual diet but another friend said her sister is really skinny and this is all she eats. It’s worth considering.

An English Man For Every 10 Pounds – Again, not an actual diet but a great motivator. This lady is going to go on one date with an English bloke for every 10 pounds she loses. I guess I don’t really have that option. Larry’s not that cool.

So those were all my brilliant ideas and, with their failures, so went my hopes and dreams. My next step is to become one of those sassy, fat ladies who wear fancy hats. I just need a hat and some sass.



Anonymous said...

I say order the large fries then go for a walk.. Or run... If you are into that nonsense. Just don't stop moving... My sister had two c secs to and just was determined to lose her lean cuisine helped... I know similar to Jenny Craig ... But try it out... Make your husband eat it with you... Regardless if he needs to lose weight :). Eat on...

Michelle said...

"Eat on"...Amen!